random, again

I really love the book “達令是外國人.” It is just too similar to my own experience, including he being a super concentrate person while she/I ‘m a walking around, open the fridge unconsciously that type of person when each of us are doing works. A lot more than this, but it is just hilarious to read.

I have been watching too much news lately. breakfast with news, lunch with news, dinner with news, late night snacks with news, in my parents house you watch news when you eat. you eat when you watch news. I wish Taiwan’s media could be a bit more constructive and informative, so my parents don’t have to spend three more times than normal people on one single news.

Thoughts of today.

1. I spent quite a long time talking to Nik this morning. But I wasn’t happy: I can’t get over why I sent him those pictures. And I can not like what has happened and what reaction I got. I was deeply embarrassed and don’t want to take pictures of myself for a long time. I just don’t wanna to be asked to take xx pictures but didn’t like them myself but still sent them out and received a hurtful comment, because of my miss understanding or my very different concept of that adjective”xx.” I don’t know why I felt hurt.

2. I love my parents when they are joking and laughing all day. I was grateful when they didn’t explode after knowing that I didn’t bring my contacts. I wish my parents can always be like today.

3. who am I talking to right now? who is going to read this post? who is going to care?

4. I feel shameful every time I spell something simple wrong when I am chatting with Nik. Not just him, everyone that speaks English. I feel shameful and stressful. I hate that.I hate myself.

5. After Dad U-turned on the highway, my mom was like “you shouldn’t do that. No one U-turns on the high way!!!” My dad was like “I was just turning left.” ………….

6. I cried today because my doctor told me I have cataract. I was worried, that’s all.

7. Grandma told me about her life-long love and her passion to this Japanese guy(instead of grandpa) since she was little. They wrote each other for 6 years until he died of sickness and grandma still wrote to his wife for another 6 years. man, her life is so interesting.

8.I kind don’t know who I am lately, after not playing piano for almost two weeks.
Am I back to the high school me? or the college me?
I’m lost.

9. The toad didn’t show up today, that made me sad. I like seeing him waiting by the lamp. Maybe one day I will go drop him a golden ball.

10. Cant wait to pick up more books tomorrow. Gatta find a way to sneak out…

I’m so scared.

Today I swear that I will not end up like my parents. After seeing this cycle of buying hard and working hard, I was scared by this kind of life path they choose: built up a ridiculous amount of credit debt, and then worked extra amount of time to pay for that. Because of working too hard, they have never felt they have time to enjoy their lives so then, they spent even more money on buying goods as a symble of retreats.  So the rat trap went on. God it was scary to see.

I ‘m writing to remind myself that I can not develop this bad habit in the future. I will keep my amounts of personal belongings as minimum as possible, and I will not think money can be a judge of quality. I will have  intellectual activities or life pursuits, so I won’t depend my personal pleasure on impulsive spending money. I will have good relationships with my families and friends, not counting on me the only person to please myself.

really, how did all this start?

喝啤酒, 吃牛肉麵, 寫流水帳.

Today is a day of procrastinating, for a non procrastinator like me.

7am

難得坐在家裡不去練琴, 泡完咖啡吃完Bagle還發神經開始煮白煮蛋. 差點沒敷面膜. 一直摸到十一點才去學校（老娘我每天早上八點半到學校的說) 在家查今天星座, 回復email, 自然而然心情就放鬆下來了.

11am

到學校找琴房練琴. 今天有本來我想參加的Bach Honor Competition, 但彈給Sasha聽之後他的評語”只有速度的快感”讓我放棄參加的念頭. 是真的應該好好想想自己的巴哈, 想聽到的聲音是什麼. 路途中不小心撞見Eva, 趕快閃到圖書館內. 怕又要被借notes.

5pm

去上Film Noir Jazz Improvise 課.  Improvise on Pawnbroker’s theme. Ran said I played some nice chords this time, and “no one dies this time.” Thanks, Ran. 不過今天真正見識到Ran有多強, 他隨意的幫Stephenie 伴奏, 合得超好聽, 音選的很棒.整堂客看了前半部的Pawnbroker, Quincy Jones 的配樂把整部片的氣氛與時代背景, 甚至主角居住的區域都抓到味道. Boris Kaufman的攝影角度很特別很精準, 值得一看.

8pm

回家煮牛肉麵. 第一次煮牛肉麵, 還挺成功的. 跟Nikolai 住久了煮飯都煮到完全沒信心. 非常難養的一個人. 不吃魚不吃“怪味道“（中式）的調味不吃Dark Meat (除了雞胸以外的肉都是Dark, 他說那叫腐爛的肉), 常常煮完還很想哭. 不過真的, 我和老媽一樣, 都沒有做菜的天分. 但很愛煮, 很愛幻想自己煮的很好吃, 但周圍的人卻吃的很害怕.

今天的牛肉麵是參考這人的食譜. 我完全沒任何”正確材料,” 只有Beef Stew Chuck Beef, Ginger, Garlic Powder, 3 Chili, one celery, and beef broth, 和泡麵的麵, 但成果還是挺不錯的(Nikolai 吃光光). 挺簡單的說.

附帶一提, 牛暔的英文是Brisket. 我用的Chuck是專門煮Beef Stew 的, 煮牛肉麵不太適當

.

這個是最近做的Pancake. Foolproof.

2. 關於巴哈

巴哈真的不好彈.首先基本的平均與順暢度都要自然呈現, 而自然這兩字也不是隨邊說說. 手指平均以及各聲部交織的網狀構造要能清楚被聽見. 再者, 詮釋問題: 現在大家彈巴哈都在模仿他人, 很少聽到獨樹一格的詮釋. 其實大家都很害怕, 怕自己的味道不夠Baroque, 不夠Glenn Gould, 不夠Andras Schiff, 或Angela Hewitt, 其實這些名牌可以一直打, 但再怎麼說學生們都只是硬把名牌貼在自己身上. 雖然大部分的傳統曲目都有這種問題, 但尤其是彈巴哈, 似乎正統變成音樂的全部; 詮釋, 演奏者個人的意見完全被棄之不顧了.

也許, 巴哈的曲子過於完美, 演奏者自然而然的變成他的俘虜？

Glenn Gould\’s Goldberg （沒有人像他彈這麼快）

Tureck\’s Goldberg (很特別的聲音)

Rethink. Review. Dissolve.

1.關於語言的選擇

好一陣子我都無法使用中文寫文章. 想事情的時候, 自言自語的時候, 做夢的時候, 激動的生氣的時候都被英文取代了. 但這並不表示英文有進步多少, 還是常常碰到卡住的狀況, 怎麼樣也想不起來那該死的英文單字是啥. 也許, 這兩種語言就是真的這麼不同, 許多意義都在轉換之中喪失了.

最近,由於心情過度低潮, 我把所有的文章都刪除了. （說文章過於正式, 還不如post來的隨意. 也許這是新文章形式？）想做點改變讓自己轉移注意力,我開始回想有多少長期以來被自己忽視的我的一部份在語言轉換之後消逝了. 我的個性也因為所說得語言與所處之地而改變了. 在台灣我感到想不自在的壓迫感, 在美國我感到過度自由的疏離感與迷惑; 在中文裡我感到那模糊,無自性或模稜兩可的問題, 在英文裡我感到的是邏輯性思考與崇尚定義的拘束感.怎麼說？也許自己的語言能力太差吧. 哈哈.

總言之, 我想專心寫中文. 能的話, 把自己所寫的”翻譯”成英文在另一個blog裡. 翻譯最難的就是尋找那正確描述其意義的字眼, 如果翻譯者與作者同一人, 這問題相較會簡單些吧?